maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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