All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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