I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
