Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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