The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
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