I think im going to throw up on grandma
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
