it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
