can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
farters have to be the big spoon...
two words: eviction party
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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