oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
