the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
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I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
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Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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