Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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