I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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