you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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