i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I woke up under a house in Key West
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