this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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