She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
