I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
