Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
