I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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