Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
