your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
