I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
