I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
