How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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