Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Randomize
