I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
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slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
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She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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