Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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