Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
you didnt know i had herpes?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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