So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
