I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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