its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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