god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
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I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
This is classic penis vs brain.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
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I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Everclear isn't food dammit
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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