ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
