Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
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