I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
