So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Vodka?
Forever.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
