P.S. I can't hear my feet
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
