boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
