I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
