just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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