I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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