So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
