Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize