when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize