So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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