Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
