and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Randomize
