Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
