let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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