Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
