cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
