I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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