I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
